5 Ways To Feel Less Alone Amid The Epidemic Of Loneliness

If you’re like many people, you experience loneliness and disconnection frequently. Whether you feel a lack of connection with friends, a lack of affinity co-workers or even a lack of closeness with family members, loneliness can emerge in many forms.

It’s a big deal because loneliness has significant implications for your wellbeing—from your physical health to your cognitive or emotional health. And about half of adults in the U.S. report they feel lonely, according to the Surgeon General.

But new research points to the important difference between being alone and being lonely. And there are key ways you can assess your loneliness and take pragmatic action to reduce it—and feel more connected.

Big Impacts

Things are tough. Mental health issues, including depression and anxiety, have risen based on the deterioration of relationships and the distancing of the past few years. This is true globally—across North America, Europe and Asia—according to research on 225,000 people by Columbia University.

And the need for social connection and support is significant. In fact, having a few close friends is more important for key health outcomes—like heart disease, blood pressure, cancer, dementia and mental health—than exercise or diet and on par with smoking, according to broad research by Holt-Lunstad at Brigham Young University.

In addition, strong, healthy relationships have been linked with lower levels of depression and anxiety and greater longevity based on a longitudinal study from the University of Barcelona.

In response to all this, you can assess your own situation, and take steps to reduce the isolation and suffering.

Assess Yourself

As you determine how to feel less alone, you’re wise to start by understanding yourself and your unique challenges.

• Consider whether you’re alone or lonely. With all the press on loneliness, you might be tempted to equate being alone with being lonely. But you don’t typically feel lonely unless you’re alone 75% of the time or more, according to new research published in the Journal of Research in Personality. Give thought to whether you’re truly lonely. If you spend time alone and are content, that’s great—and no cause for correction, despite the press. On the other hand, you can also feel alone with a group—which may be a signal you’re not feeling that you belong.
• Consider control. Another important aspect of being alone is whether you’ve chosen it or not. If you were invited to spend time with friends and happily refused because you preferred to be on your own, great. But if you wish for more social time with others, you may consider taking action to find your people.
• Consider whether you feel supported. The size of your network isn’t necessarily a reflection of how supported it makes you feel—quantity does not necessarily equal quality. Give thought to whether you have someone you can call when you’re in need, or how many people know and understand you. The world tends to celebrate and reward those with lots of friends in lots of places doing lots of things—but you may prefer less contact with people and deeper relationships with just a few—and it’s important to validate this with yourself.
• Consider the diversity of your connections. You can also reflect on the nature of your network. Sometimes you feel more connected if you have people in multiple places—good relationships at work, great interactions with your book group and meaningful connections with family. This dimensionality in your support system can also help you feel less lonely.

Depending on your assessment of your own circumstances, there are actions you can take to build relationships. Read on.

1 – Make Friends with Yourself

One of the first things you can do to feel less lonely is to be intentional about getting to know and appreciating yourself. Take time to reflect on what you love, what you prefer, what your strengths are and what you value. Appreciate all you’ve accomplished and remind yourself about your capabilities. Clarify your mission, your purpose and your goals—and reflect on how you want to grow and develop.

When you know yourself and can intentionally appreciate who you are and what you bring, you are likely to feel less alone overall.

2 – Fill Your Time With Meaningful Activities

Also find things you can enjoy doing alone. Perhaps you have unique tastes, and cooking solo is a great way to try new recipes that others would turn their nose up at. Or maybe you love walking in the woods with your dog, or watching an offbeat show that your friends would never choose.

Also find things that occupy you fully. Immerse yourself in learning something new that is challenging and substantive. Learn a new language, read a book which enthralls you, research something that you’re super-curious about. Consider engaging in activities that challenge you physically.

Loneliness can be associated with boredom or under-stimulation and when your brain is active and invigorated, you’ll have less space to feel lonely. In addition, when you’re doing something challenging, your brain releases feel-good chemicals like oxytocin and dopamine—which can counter feelings of sadness.

Create routines that you can do by yourself. Make a habit of enjoying your favorite flavored coffee every morning or tending your indoor herb garden each day after work. Routines can provide structure and continuity to your day, which can in turn soothe and satisfy in the face of social stress.

3 – Find Your People

Another way you can thwart loneliness is by being intentional about finding your people. You won’t get a sense of belonging from simply being with others. You’ll get a sense of belonging when you have a shared sense of social identity.

So, pursue activities associated with things that are important to you, and get involved. If you’re a history buff, join the local museum board and get to know the people on it. If you feel passionate about relieving food scarcity, join the volunteer group that addresses the issue. Or if you love hang gliding, join the club in your area. The point is to find people who have similar interests and priorities.

Go ahead and attend the monthly Chamber of Commerce luncheon for your community—and meet the broad swath of professionals. But know that to find the relationships which dim the loneliness, you may also need to work at finding more focused groups of people who share more in common with you, in terms of their concerns and passions.

4 – Invest Time with Your People

Another way to reduce the feeling of isolation is to be sure you’re spending enough time with your people. You are unlikely to increase your feelings of connection without some close friends and that takes investment—40-60 hours of time to build a friendship which is more casual and 200 hours for a closer relationship, according to Jeffrey T Hall at the University of Kanas.

You may also want to get selective about the time you spend. In fact, according to work by The Harris Poll and their polls in conjunction with Waking Up as well, 57% of people are reducing the size of their social groups, and instead emphasizing the quality of the connections. Fully 33% realized who they didn’t want to spend time with, and 48% halted relationships in order to be more selective. This is related to the 31% who say they know best who they can count on, and the 62% who expect friendships to become closer in the future.

Leverage the places you already spend time, and seek opportunities to deepen connections there. Only 31% of people feel satisfied with their connections at work, according to BetterUp, but you can build positive interactions.

Invite your colleague for coffee at work, and instead of using break time in your meeting to catch up on your emails, ask coworkers about themselves and share something about yourself as well. In your yoga class, get there early enough to chat with the instructor or invite the person who always works out next to you for a walk and a chat after class.

The take-away message: Initiate spending time with others—and invest with people in order to feel more connected. But also, be choosy about your relationships and spend your time with people who nurture and energize you and who you can support as well.

5 – Make a Contribution to Others

Another great way to reduce loneliness is to give back. When you spend time in contributing to others, it is significantly associated with happiness. One of the characteristics of depression is feeling trapped, isolated and like the world is closing in. But when you focus on your community, you expand your perspectives. Ironically, focusing less on yourself tends to pay you back by helping you experience greater joy.

In addition, when you volunteer, you’re likely to find friends in the process. Help elderly neighbors by delivering meals—getting to know them in the process. Or join the group helping at the local humane society—and make connections with human as well as furry friends. Any of these will relieve loneliness because you’re sharing time with people who care about similar missions, but also because you’re giving to others.

Also invest in the quality of the relationships you’re creating. The greatest satisfaction and trust tend to emerge in relationships with high levels of understanding, validation and responsiveness, based on research published in the journal, Emotion. So, when you’re building relationships with others, and giving of yourself, be sure you’re offering high levels of these—seeking to understand others, validating them, being responsive and reciprocating when people invite you to spend time together.

Feeling less lonely is a two-way street, of course—and by helping others feel more connected, you’ll help yourself as well.

Give Yourself Permission

Taking these actions will address the assessment you did—giving you more control, enhancing support and expanding dimensionality—but ultimately, you can also give yourself permission to have ups and downs and to feel alone sometimes.

Everyone has ebbs and flows in their levels of happiness, connectedness and satisfaction—and by validating your experience, you can reduce the pressure and thereby increase your joy as well.

NOTE: For those who need support, the NAMI helpline is 800-950-NAMI (6264).