As a leader, have you ever felt unprepared or needed help but weren’t sure how to ask for it? Have you ever sat at your desk with your forehead pressed against the palm of your hand, searching for the right thing to do? Have you ever felt betrayed or bewildered by the behavior of a team member? Have you ever doubted yourself or questioned your ability? Have you ever felt so excited by an outcome that you had to double-check to make sure the data were correct or so proud of your team that you wanted to hug every one of them?
I recently asked the CEO of a mid-sized organization these same questions. His response was telling. He looked down, paused and then slowly nodded his head. “Yes,” he said. “I’ve definitely felt that way.”
“Which one and when?” I asked.
Still nodding slowly, he looked back at me and said, “All of them. Just yesterday. Before noon.”
If this sounds familiar, you may have experienced how leadership can sometimes be a rollercoaster of a ride, one fraught with wonderful highs and seemingly impossible lows, many of which can be experienced all within the span of a day, sometimes just inside an hour or two.
While it would be easy to fall into a pattern of simply shrugging off days like these (because great leaders are tough, right?), we would risk our personal growth in doing so. Taking time to understand what instantly grabs our attention—for example, situations that send us into fight, flight or freeze mode—or the things that enable us to quickly focus helps shape us as leaders and prepare us for the full range of highs and lows that come our way.
Depending on the circumstances, being a leader can leave us feeling exposed and vulnerable. Sometimes we struggle with decisions and then second-guess ourselves once we make them. We want to inspire others with the clarity of our vision but don’t always feel clear on what the future looks like. We know we need to be a powerful source of energy, even when we feel powerless, and our energy is running low.
Despite the weight of the responsibility that comes with leadership, it’s also true that being a leader can be among our life’s most fulfilling undertakings, not for the accolades, awards, or special honors we might receive when we earn them but for the meaningful impact we make in the lives of others. Helping others reach their full potential or inspiring them to stretch and grow beyond their imagined limitations or barriers is a great feeling.
It’s important to consider an even greater responsibility than leadership: The responsibility we have as leaders to become more self-aware and to apply the insight that comes from our self-awareness in our daily leadership practices.
Our response or reaction to leadership challenges reveals valuable information about us in a way few other life endeavors can. The availability of this information is indisputable. It’s always there, waiting for us to tap into it, learn from it, and find the guidance we need to keep moving.
The next time you feel “off” or vulnerable as a leader, consider the following:
1. What we practice, we perpetuate.
Leadership is not a gene we inherit at birth. However, we are hardwired with unique talents, and if recognized, developed, and applied over time, they can contribute positively to our effectiveness and impact as a leader.
Much like a lawyer practices law and a doctor practices medicine, a leader practices leadership. What we practice sets the stage for the good or bad habits we perpetuate. This principle applies to how we respond or react when we feel vulnerable or exposed and the actions that ultimately become our default behaviors. For example, if we develop a pattern of practicing cynicism when we feel overwhelmed or frustrated, we’ll become great skeptics who are often overly critical of ourselves and others. Alternatively, if we practice a mindset of finding the hidden opportunity standing behind seemingly insurmountable challenges, this will lead to behaviors that enable us to become greatproblem solvers and role models for our team members when they are faced with similar situations.
A helpful practice for leaders to consider is making it a priority to set aside focused time at least twice each year to ask ourselves the questions “What am I perpetuating?” and “Are my actions and behaviors adding momentum to my vulnerabilities, or are they helping me address them in a rational, level-headed way?” The context for these questions should be significant business and organizational challenges you’ve addressed or specific situations in which you recall having felt particularly vulnerable or unsettled. By making this an ongoing practice, you will increase your self-awareness and become skilled at noticing when unhelpful default behaviors are most likely to surface.
2. Use judgment when expressing vulnerability.
Our response or reaction to vulnerability is unique to each of us. Some embrace it fully and believe it’s a positive trait for a leader to express their shortcomings, fears and uncertainties. Others see it as a sign of weakness that should be hidden from others, masked or tamped down. For them, stoicism is a much more admirable quality, one that builds and strengthens their credibility and sends a clear message of, “I can do it all and handle anything that comes my way…by myself.”
In a leadership context, both points of view are worth exploring. In any context, though, expressing our vulnerabilities should be done wisely and with good judgment.
Asking for help from others or sharing with your team that, at this moment, you’re not certain how to proceed is very different than pretending to see a clear path forward or that you don’t need the team’s perspective or advice. A balanced and wise expression of vulnerability typically serves a leader well. However, when we show too much vulnerability, we risk the confidence of our team. Show too little, and we’re seen as an unapproachable know-it-all who isn’t interested in or doesn’t value informed decision-making.
Be wise when showing your vulnerability. Remember, if your expressed vulnerability causes your team to feel uncomfortable or question your credibility or capability, you may want to re-evaluate what and how much you share going forward.
3. The organization you’re leading is not who you are.
In my work with clients over the past 20+ years, I’ve observed many who are deeply and genuinely inspired by their chosen profession. Their commitment to and passion for their organization’s purpose are clear in how they lead and interact with their teams.
I’ve also worked with some who, over the years, have become disconnected from the truth of who they are as a person. It’s almost as though they placed themselves on a dusty shelf one day and said, “I’ll get back to you later,” choosing instead to pour their entire being into their organization—its purpose, its values, and its goals—rather than giving time and attention to their own.
While there should be close synergy and alignment between what we stand for and believe in and what our organization stands for and believes in, we should be mindful of the value and importance of separateness. It’s in the separate part of ourselves that we find the clarity, energy and perspective to be the great leader our organization needs us to be.
So often, leaders pressure themselves with the burden of trying not to be human. Instead of taking time to think and reflect, they pour their energy into ignoring self-doubt and uncertainty when in fact, they experience both.
By practicing self-awareness, we learn that our vulnerabilities represent the complexity of what it means to be uniquely human. We also learn how to express them in productive and helpful ways. Our vulnerabilities are not right or wrong; they’re part of who we are.
We aren’t weakened by them. We are only weakened when we choose to overlook them.
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