My nine-year-old daughter likes to play a game with me called: “Will you still love me, if?” I’m not sure how many more years we can play this game, but for now it’s pretty innocent. For instance, my daughter will ask me if I’ll still love her if she doesn’t do her homework or clean up her room or play nicely with her younger sister. As always, my response is: “Yes, I’ll still love you more than anything because I’m your dad.” It’s unconditional. We’re family.
I bring this up because in the intense war for talent in our industry, more and more firms are calling themselves a family. I think this can be dangerous. Maybe for some firms this is an intentional decision, and “family” is the word they want to use. But trust me, the specific words you use for firmwide communication matter a great deal. As long as you understand the implications, great. So, let’s talk about what that means.
There are three important ways that work teams may be different from your family:
The distinction comes down to purpose, expectations and commitment.
1. Purpose
The purpose of a family is to provide emotional support and unconditional love to kin.
The purpose of a team is to accomplish an objective. If you’re the Kansas City Chiefs or Dallas Cowboys, the purpose of the team is to win football games. If you are a professional services firm, the purpose of the team is to provide exceptional professional advice to your clients so they can make better financial decisions. It’s not about providing people with unconditional love or making them feel good about themselves.
2. Expectations
Expectations of a family: It doesn’t matter what family members do or say, the expectation is that they will always be loved. As a family member, you can always feel free to be yourself without judgment from your parents and siblings.
Expectations of a team: When you join a team, you will be (or should be) given clear expectations about what it takes to stay on the team. The expectations are more regimented. Each team member must be accountable. Each team member must honor deadlines and hit deliverables that help the team accomplish its purpose. Families generally don’t ask underperformers to leave, but teams do.
3. Commitment
Family commitment is unconditional. There is nothing my daughter can do to cause me to deny her unconditional love. I’ll always be her dad. It’s a lifelong commitment.
Team commitment is more transitory. Sometimes you join a team for a certain reason. For instance, when starting your career, you may join a firm or team as an intern to gain a certain kind of work experience. It doesn’t mean you have to stay there for your entire life — it’s not your family. As you go through your career, you’ll find that certain firms, certain places and certain teams are good for you at a certain stage in your life. But then you reach a point that you may need to find a different team as you evolve.
If the purpose of your current team doesn’t align with what you’re trying to do, you don’t have to remain committed to staying with them. That’s why teams sometimes let go of their team members, and that’s why team members sometimes leave their teams. Their purposes are no longer aligned. If you’re clear about your purpose, you’re going to attract the right people, and you’re going to “graduate” the people who are no longer the right fit for your team.
Language sets the tone
When you’re thinking about the language that you use at your firm, it’s important for every single person to know they’re part of a team. The team has a specific purpose that it’s trying to accomplish. That purpose should be clear to everyone on the team. Everyone from senior leadership to admin staff should have specific expectations about how they’re supposed to contribute to the team and help it achieve its strategic purpose. It doesn’t center around making everyone on the team feel good, although many people on well-run “championship” teams do feel inspired. It’s about meeting expectations.
For more about the importance of nuanced language, see my recent article
In many workplaces, teammates develop relationships just like they do on sports teams. They become great friends and sometimes start to feel like family. The challenge is that people sometimes end up on a team to which they are no longer aligned, but they feel obligated to stay on a team out of loyalty. Or sometimes the team feels obligated to keep a team member on the payroll because they’re getting the concept of team and family confused.
Work is not your family
If a teammate calls you on a Sunday when you’re out with your family, do you take the call and keep your family waiting? Do you invite them to come over to the house all the time? No, you probably don’t. That person is not part of your actual family. You shouldn’t take their call like you would from a family member late at night. There need to be boundaries, and failing to establish those boundaries can be detrimental to your team, and your family.
You need to have those important conversations and ask, “Are we aligned in our purpose? Do we have clear expectations? Are we committed to the growth of the firm? Are we aligned with committed expectations and purpose?”
Again, the purpose of a family is to nurture each other and provide emotional support and unconditional love. There’s no time limit on that. It’s forever. The purpose of a team is to accomplish its stated objectives by having the right people in the right seats at the right stages of their career. Teams must constantly reassess their lineup and depth chart.
If you feel you are aligned with your team’s purpose and are clear on the expectations, then it makes sense to stay if you feel you are growing. Otherwise, you need to think about moving to another team where you feel there’s better alignment between your respective goals and purpose. You are, after all, a free agent. Families don’t have free agents.
How are you keeping your team aligned with your firm’s expectations and purpose? I’d
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