Transitioning from a people pleaser to a skilled negotiator was no easy feat.
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During a recent keynote presentation, I was asked a thought-provoking question: “What advice can you provide to someone who, being a people pleaser, often sacrifices their own interests during negotiations to satisfy others?” This question prompted me to reflect on my own journey from a chronic people pleaser to a confident negotiator.
People pleasers often find themselves doing things they don’t want to do and putting the needs of others ahead of their own. A familiar narrative in my past was the compulsion to say ‘yes’ when asked to do something or help someone. Like many others, I often felt “trapped” or “stuck” doing something I genuinely didn’t want to do, a typical consequence of people-pleasing behavior.
Ironically, my journey of self-transformation began in a law school negotiation class, a seemingly inconsequential choice at the time that proved to be life changing. I realized negotiation was a skill, not a talent, that could be cultivated and refined. This realization paved the way for the establishment of the American Negotiation Institute, which is aimed at imparting this transformative skill to others.
Transitioning from a people pleaser to a skilled negotiator was no easy feat. The propensity to please and compromise for others’ benefit, despite our own detriment, can be a tough habit to break. However, identifying the ‘compromise feeling’ was a turning point. I began questioning this instinct, realizing that not all concessions are necessary or beneficial.
Preparation became my greatest ally. Before any negotiation, I’d define my boundaries and expectations. Crucially, I learned to discern between new information, which could legitimately warrant a change in stance, and attempts solely to influence my decision.
Pressure is another significant challenge, especially when faced with demands for immediate decisions. But I learned a simple rule: if an answer is demanded right now, the answer has to be ‘No.’ Surprisingly, this often instills patience in the previously impatient party.
Great negotiators, I found, are also curious. I learned to ask more questions, understanding their wants, their timelines, and their alternatives. By doing so, I could distance myself from immediate emotional pressure and make more informed decisions.
People pleasing, while intended to make others happy, can be a barrier to true intimacy, as pointed out by relationship expert Natalie Lue. Constantly giving in without sharing true feelings can create distance over time. When pleasing others leads to neglecting our own needs and feelings, it can result in frustration, feeling unappreciated, damaged relationships, or misunderstandings.
The transformation from people pleaser to confident negotiator is about self-awareness, preparation, and maintaining a balance between respecting others’ needs and standing up for our own interests. It’s about saying ‘Yes’ to yourself first, which will give you the confidence to begin making healthier choices. At the end of the day, people respect clear boundaries, personal values, and goals – so don’t be afraid to start making your voice heard.
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