The One Conversation That Can Change Any Relationship

Relationships are the cornerstone of our success and happiness. Whether it’s at work or in personal life, the way we interact with others can make or break our experiences. As the best-selling author of The Coaching Habit, Michael Bungay Stanier is an expert on unlocking hidden potential and cultivating successful teams. In his new book, How to Work With (Almost) Anyone, Stanier offers valuable insights on how to improve relationships and create the best possible outcomes. Let’s explore a simple framework that can elevate the quality of your work relationships and pave the way for success and happiness.

Taking responsibility for the quality of a relationship is the first step towards improvement. It’s easy to blame others when things go wrong but acknowledging our role in the relationship is crucial. We must recognize that there is almost always something we can do to enhance its quality.

The framework begins with what Stanier calls the Keystone conversation. Before diving into work projects and problem-solving, start with an open discussion about how you and your colleague can collaborate effectively. This conversation is about discovering the keys to mutual success. Ask the fundamental question, “How do we work better together?” and engage in a meaningful dialogue.

Rather than sticking to superficial inquiries, dig deeper to understand your colleague’s passions, interests, and sources of joy. Encourage them to share what activities put them in a state of flow, where they feel most energized and when they shine. Discover their strengths, weaknesses, likes, and dislikes. The goal is to gain insights into their working style and preferences.

As you learn from your colleague, they will naturally want to reciprocate and understand your working style as well. This exchange creates an informal playbook, providing guidance on how to collaborate effectively. Through this simple activity, you set the foundation for cultivating the best possible relationship with your colleagues.

By having the Keystone conversation, you unlock several benefits. First, it establishes a shared understanding of each other’s working preferences, strengths, and weaknesses. This knowledge fosters empathy and helps you navigate potential challenges. You can leverage each other’s strengths and complement one another’s weaknesses, fostering a sense of teamwork.

Second, the conversation cultivates a positive and supportive environment. When colleagues know what brings joy and energy to their teammates, they can create opportunities for them to shine. This mutual support promotes a collaborative atmosphere where everyone feels valued and motivated.

Third, the Keystone conversation builds trust. Openly discussing your working styles and preferences demonstrates vulnerability, allowing for authentic connections to develop. Trust is the bedrock of strong relationships, enabling effective communication and collaboration.

Lastly, this conversation opens the door for ongoing improvement. As you work together, continue to revisit and refine your understanding of each other’s needs and preferences. Adapt and evolve your collaboration based on new insights. This continuous feedback loop nurtures growth, innovation, and long-term relationship success.

Remember, relationships are dynamic, and investing in their quality is an ongoing process. The Keystone conversation is not a one-time event but a catalyst for continuous improvement and growth.

In conclusion, to have the best possible relationship with your colleagues, start by taking responsibility for its quality. Engage in the Keystone conversation, where you and your colleague explore how to work better together. By delving into each other’s passions, interests, and working styles, you lay the groundwork for collaboration built on empathy, support, trust, and ongoing improvement. Invest in your relationships, and you’ll unlock a world of success and happiness in your professional life.

*Disclaimer: This article was written based on the ideas presented in Michael Bungay Stanier’s book, How to Work With (Almost) Anyone, and adapted for the purposes of this article.